I love to hurt you
by LINtmnt
Summary: After a decade of separation, April comes back to a brokenhearted Raphael. With her she brings a tragic story of suffering and pain. What happened in Japan? And how will they deal with the mutual longing? (Pairings: Raphael-April O. ; April O.-Casey Jones)
1. Chapter 1

Nervously walking up and down the corridor, April hesitated and lingered for a bit, a quivering flame of a candle in her hands was the only source of illumination in the dark. Pacing continuously she was shielding the delicate flame with her palm and taking deep breaths in vain attempts of calming herself down, she kept repeating: "You're okay, April. Just do it! You're okay. Just walk in and tell him..."

When she finally pulled herself together, she knocked. There was no response. She waited and knocked the second time, her heart beating ever so hard. She didn't remember feeling that nervous since... since their first kiss so many years ago. Her knuckles rested on the wooden surface of the door, not bold enough to try again. She struggled to steady her shaky nerves. Who would've thought this would be so impossibly hard?!

"Aarrgghh!" - she suddenly heard from the other side of the door.

"Raphael?" - she cautiously whispered, leaning on the door in an attempt to hear clearly.

But the old farm-house fell quiet again. As it should have been, in the middle of Northampton winter night when everyone was fast asleep cuddling into their blankets. April certainly didn't want to wake anyone. This is hard enough as it is. She tried the door-nob and it turned out to be unlocked. "Okay, April, here's your chance! Here goes nothing..." - she told herself as she carefully opened the door and let herself in.

She knew that her "disappearing act" years ago would not come easy. And it would hurt everyone involved. She was aware of her faultiness and bearing that in mind, there was no other place she would rather be right now.

Raphael was lying in bed very still. April came closer and called his name once again. He turned his head slightly but his eyes were shut. He was deeply asleep. Bringing the candle closer, April looked him over. She couldn't help it... His green skin, illuminated by the soft candle light, glistened from sweat. His chest kept rising and falling abruptly. He suddenly moaned in his sleep, baring his teeth to some invisible enemy. His huge fists, holding onto the sheets, pulled tearing them apart.

Raphael was obviously having a nightmare he couldn't wake up from. And all April was able to think of was how much she missed his features! The usual red mask was removed from his face, so were all his pads, and his belt as well was gone. He was completely exposed to her searching admiring gaze and April took notice of many new unfamiliar scars decorating his face, shoulders and arms. She hadn't seen him in years... How has he been? What glorious battles had he been fighting all this time they were apart? Did he hate her for running off? Could he forgive her?

Softly stepping a bit nearer, April walked into something on the floor. The pair of sai clanged loudly on top of an old rug. She cursed under her breath, but it didn't wake him. She set the candle on a nearby window-still and exhaling slowly to relax her distress, placed her palm on his forehead. He was burning up!

At the second her cold palm rested upon his skin, the turtle jumped startled and grabbing April by her wrist pulled her to him enclosing her throat with his muscular fingers. His unblinking glassy gaze scanned her inside and out like two emerald laser beams. The woman coughed suffocating. And realizing in horror who's throat he was squeezing, Raphael took aback immediately releasing his grip, panic running through his eyes: "April?!"

Overwhelmed and literally choking, April waved her hand at him (as to say: give me a moment) and several coughs later she regained her breath and her composure. All this time Raphael kept looking at her with absolute shock: "It's not a dream.. Ya' actually here?!" He clearly hadn't recovered from his nightmare yet, "Whadda ya doing here?" His tone was cold and dry but his voice quivered as he said that.

"You were having a bad dream... (cough) screaming in your sleep! I knocked but... "

"Did I hurt you?" - he cut her off.

"I'm alright..." April looked into his eyes, his expression was hard to decipher: fear and pain mixed with concerned anxiety.

Oh, how much she missed him!

"April, whadda shell a' ya doin' here?!" His rough tone stabbed her like an arrow through her heart.

She exhaled: "I need to talk to you?"

He frowned at her: "So, ya' jus' back after a whole decade of nada, an' decide to brake into my room in da' middle of da' night..." Wide-eyed, Raphael glared at her with his judging stare, "Ya' always do jus' wadeva' the fuck you want, April, don' cha'? Just wadeva' suits ya'! How many years' been?! Ha? How many years?"

"Okay.. I get it.." She felt like crying, but she has prepared herself for this! She knew he would be harsh and brutal with her, "I know what I've done, and you're mad at me! I'm truly sorry I hurt you, Raph! But I still hope that... maybe, you'd give me a chance... to explain.. "

"April... Why now?" His voice broke and it was evident that he was trying really hard not to lose control, "ya' had your chance! 's too late..."

"Please, Raphael!" - she pleaded.

He drilled her with his emerald lasers: "Do ya' know... do ya' have any idea how hard it was to try n' forget?! To try n' live withou'cha'... All dis time!"

"I..." she tried, but there was nothing she could've said that would make it all better.

April lowered her gaze to the floor. She never forgave herself for walking out on them... for abandoning her friends, her family. So many years ago... So much has changed.. Yet so much has remained the same. She still loved him. She never stopped. It's just her life... her life got in the way! And now **that** life was over, and there could not be a life without him in it anymore...

"Get out!" Raphael's voice was hoarse, cruel and ice-cold.

"Raph..."

"GET OUT!"

"No!" She looked at him determinedly, but his face was turned to the opposite wall, "Just hear me out, okay? You don't have to say anything... I will do all the talking. And then I'll leave, if you want... I'll leave and never bother you again!"

He didn't move a muscle and she took it as a silent consent, an acceptance.

"I came back..." She started and her voice broke off, as she found it much harder than she thought it would be to explain. Trying to buy some time, she stroke her temples, gathering her thoughts and calming the inner turmoil starting in her heart.

Suddenly Raphael turned to face her again: "Did you eva' love me?"

She was astonished to see, in the dim light, two damp lines vertically crossing his face. His voice was silent, but the question erupted the stiffness of the air in the room like a punctured piñata, and April could feel it violently echoing inside her scull, piercing her brain. Realization dropping on her, sudden and overwhelming as confetti, her own tears eventually started scattering down her face. Raphael wasn't mad at her at all. He was very deeply hurt... heart-broken.

"Oh, Raph..." Wiping her tears away, April hesitated at first but came closer and sat at his bedside. He didn't move, only squinted his eyes at her.

"I..." - she started but couldn't yet continue... Damn! Why was this so hard?!

She shook her head and smiled at him, genuinely smiled. And suddenly feeling emboldened by his searching eyes reading her face and his tears, she cupped his wet cheeks with her hands and pushed her face toward his, placing a light quick kiss on his lips.

Raphael's expression went from uncertainty, doubt and distrust to utter shock. He slowly touched the spot where her lips brushed his only a moment ago, scrupulously trying to assimilate what just happened. His wide open daring eyes met April's gaze straightforward, non-apprehensively.

"Of course I loved you, Raphael!" - she slowly said, "I always have..." She looked straight into his eyes: "I love you!"

Raphael's heart skipped a beat. She never told him before. He always thought of himself as the weak link... the one who gave himself to her, surrendered. The vulnerable half, the one who invested but didn't expect to receive. He was the one in love with her... She was the one who left... He was the one left behind, like a used toy.

April moved forward, intending to kiss him again, but this time he recoiled, leaning away and avoiding her touch. No more boy-toy...

"I understand..." She sighed, holding herself together (broken inside) and got up, intending to leave. Her throat felt so stiff and dry all of a sudden. She didn't even have a chance to explain... He obviously didn't want her. Swallowing hard, she slowly started for the door.

"Don't go..." Raphael caught her hand.

His voice was almost inaudible, but April heard it clearly, her heart swelling in her chest emphasizing the clutter of the speeding pulse beating in her ears. He pulled her to him and their lips met... Like that first time.. so so many years ago. Only this time it was no longer innocent or pure, but rough, lustful, angry, almost violent. This was a different Raphael! And she just couldn't believe how much this was exactly what she needed right now. She needed him to take her old pain away and create something new. Needed him to make her forget, erase the past and start over...

Desperately clinging to April's lips, so hungry and so angry, Raphael could not stop his mind from racing and his stomach from turning in a weird recollection of the butterflies he used to have every time he saw her in the past. She was here, actually here beside him. He could feel her pulse through his own lips, their tongues intertwined. Her taste, the recollection so clear from inside the depths of his memory every time the thought of her was raised from the abyss of his soul during all these years... And now he was experiencing it all over, caressing her lips as if it was for the very first time.

Gaining relative control over her mess of feelings, April broke their kiss all at once: "I need to show you something…" She sat up straight and started undoing her trousers, pulling up her top and revealing her abdomen. Raphael didn't try to stop her, misunderstanding... But he froze in his place when he saw the old scars crisscrossing her skin. Those scars looked perfectly heeled, but they were there telling a very graphic story of enormous pain and torture.

"April... what's dis?" His voice sounded constrained. With a shaky hand, forgetting himself, Raphael touched her belly, feeling along the lines of long-gone but not forgotten suffer.

As a trained ninja, and an incorrigible hot-head, Raphael was more than familiar with bruises, scars and wounds. Always being the first, out of his brothers, to jump into battle, he was accustomed to be constantly absorbed, if not by the most horrible wounds, then at least by the biggest amount of them. His shell was always in the worst possible shape for that reason, the most wrecked one.

April sat still, allowing the turtle to examine her skin, while gathering her thoughts and running the terrifying memories in her head in preparation to spill it all out. There was pain and rage in Raphael's darkened green eyes, when he eventually gazed at her face inquiringly, mirroring her own abrupt recollections stored as far back in her mind as possible. It was almost unbearable for her to dig it all out, but she did her best. For him. She owed him that much.

"About 5 years ago we were attacked… in Tokyo, Casey and I… " – she explained flatly, almost no emotion in her voice, "…I was four months pregnant…" She shut her eyes as tears started pouring uncontrollably, even though her tone didn't change, "They were the messengers of the Japanese branch of the Foot clan, still loyal to the Shredder. They said they wanted to deliver a message for the turtles…" Raphael clenched his fists so that his bones creaked, but kept silent, allowing her to go on with her tale, "Of course, Casey played the hero and took most of the blow, shielding me and the baby! He almost lost his life in that fight…" She paused, "...hospitalized for weeks after the attack... But even though he saved me, he couldn't save our baby - I was beaten too severely…the doctors said..." April's voice died out all of a sudden, as she struggled to calm her nerves and put everything back into place after wrecking her entire memory stock, "I can't have children anymore..."

During long months of therapy and overall seclusion from the outside world, April did succeed to recover and go back to herself, in a way. That's why it took her so long to come back. She couldn't endure the fact of facing the turtles after what happened, she knew they would take it bad, very bad, and risk their lives in order to set things right. Preventing Casey from flying to New York and cracking "their-stupid-shells" with his crutches was bad enough... She never blamed them. But what she was doing now: retelling the occurrences aloud, specifying the facts, showing Raphael her scars, brought all kinds of shitty residues of that horrible night back, and April was beyond herself.

Raphael's face became dark and illegible. He waited for her to say more, but April kept silent. So his thoughts took control and in his mind he was already smashing the sculls of the rascals who did this to his friends, to his family... because of him... was it was his fault? He didn't even know... Why did they keep it a secret for all these years?!

He felt her hand touching his chest... all his violent musings vanishing into thin air. In her eyes he could read the pleading to let it go. Raphael wasn't the only one having nightmares - April has suffered a tremendous amount of pain, physical and mental alike… while he didn't even know about all that... until now. She needed him like she never needed him before... And attempting to ease her pain as much as he could, the turtle drove the destructive thoughts away and focused all his attention on her. He kissed away her tears and carefully helped her lay down on top of the bed. Then he lay down beside her, taking her trembling hands in his, allowing her to desperately cling onto him, to relax and calm down, reminding her that she was not alone.

He was there... He was always there...

"There were too many of them… they almost killed us…" - April suddenly whispered, drawing closer to him, "they didn't care… they just…" She swallowed hard, covered her eyes with her hands and wept into his chest.

Raphael pressed her shaking-in-spasmic-spurts-body as close to his as he could, protectively enclosing his arms around her. His mind was racing against the obvious feelings of guilt, the angst of not being there to help, to save, to take the fatal blow, and the painful feeling of rejection, of her betrayal, if she wouldn't have left this wouldn't have happened… or would it?! He couldn't help but feeling responsible, seeing the attack in his mind and imagining Casey, as an enraged animal fighting, not for his life, but for April's and the baby's. What would've happened if he was there with them that night? What would've happened if they didn't run off in the first place?

Ah, it was all too much... He stopped himself short and shut off his mind, concentrating on the feeling of her body close to his...

Soon April's tears ceased gaining in her eyes as she was slowly dozing off in his arms. She fell still and limb against his chest, feeling safe and secure in Raphael's muscular embrace. He was always there for her before, to comfort and to soothe her, to protect and keep her safe, to touch her and make her feel good… And he was there for her now, holding her close! After all they've been through, together and apart… After all the pain.

But everything was different now. Wasn't it?! Something between them was damaged, irreparable forever, and it was all her fault. She was the one responsible. She was the one who walked out… Of course, she figured it out by now. She made a mistake! They shouldn't have left in the first place! This was all too painful, too unbearable. She wanted… she needed him! Grabbing Raphael's chest-plates, his shoulders, his neck, April pressed her lips to his again, drinking his energy, absorbing his offered comfort. Raphael didn't move, he didn't pull away, but didn't kiss her back this time. He remained still and steady as a rock. He didn't take his hands away, still holding her body close to his.

"April…"

Her name gently spoken in the stillness of the darkened room made her wince and snap out of her stupor. And she stared at him wide-eyed as he smiled soothingly: "I'm here, April. I'm not going anywhere fa' now... 's okay..."

April blinked and smiled back! She pressed her cheek against his hard carapace, thankful for his acceptance and for an estimated forgiveness. For what it was worth, she felt content and happy at this specific moment, holding on to him, inhaling his scent – the familiar smell of leather, warmth and that slight sweetness of his sweat that always made her feel safe and protected.

It didn't take long till they both fell asleep, nightmare-free... for a change...

* * *

When April woke up the next day, she found herself in bed alone and mused on a possibility of her mind playing games with her. Was it all a dream? But as soon as she turned to her side, she found a note:

 _Didn't want to wake you! Find me outside._

 _Raph_

She pressed the paper to her heart and looked at the melted candle on the window-still, where she'd left it last night and couldn't help but smile to herself. Things were far from perfect, but they finally started getting better. Much better... She got up and ran to get herself ready...

Stepping out the front door, April couldn't see Raphael anywhere. She wondered a bit further towards the woods, knowing that's where he'd go. And all of a sudden he dropped out of nowhere, catching up with her slow pace and offering a cautious semi-smile. April returned the smile and wrapping her red scarf tighter around her neck, kept confidently stepping forward into the woods.

They didn't talk, they didn't even look at each other, synchronizingly pacing up hill and down dale, trees and snowdrifts all around them. April's mind was at an ease since her confession last night, and she could admit to herself that she felt lighter, like she hadn't for a long long time. Telling Raphael everything and at last confessing the feelings she had for him all along, made all the difference for her.

Raphael, on the other hand, couldn't find his place. Before yesterday everything was clear to him. He knew how he felt about April and about what she did. But as it turned out, he knew only what he was permitted to know. And now, since last night and everything she told him, he felt more then confused. Moreover, he was unsure what would be the right thing to do so that they don't go downhill from there.

On the one hand, all he wanted was to hold her close and never let her go. Tell her how much he loved her and how much he missed her. Make her happy. Make her forget all the pain. Show her what it meant to be his and only his. On the other hand, he felt like he was kidding himself. He was unable to forgive and forget. Not that easily! She betrayed him - his whole family. She left, choosing his best friend over him. She made a fool out of him, a laughing-stock...

"Raphael..."

At the sound of her voice, his thoughts were dispelled like a sheaf of dry leaves on the wind. He looked at her, blinking in contemplation, his emerald eyes reflecting the afternoon sunbeams. Oh, how she admired those beautiful expressive eyes! And how she longed for those eyes to look at her, all of her, like they used to so many years ago.

"Raphael, I'm sorry!"

Gazing at her beautiful features forever burnt into his memory, Raphael couldn't help but long for her closeness, no matter what. Her red curly hair - so soft to touch, her rosy lips - so sweet to taste, her big eyes where he could see a reflection of his younger self - naive and innocent. It all made him feel so... stupid. Stupid in love...

It seamed they walked for hours and were now deep into the woods, far away from the farm. It was quiet out here, except for the rare winter-bird cry or some muffed creak of an old tree somewhere from over the thicket.

She drew a little bit closer and her fingers slightly brushed his hand.

He grabbed her scarf. The one he clumsily knitted with his own hands as a gift for her birthday so so many years ago. She taught him to knit and asked for the red color... It fitted her perfectly...

She kissed him...

He restrained, looking over her lovely face, her inviting alluring lips.

She kissed him again... harder...

"I can't promise I won't hurt you..." - he whispered.

"Hurt me, Raphael... if you have to... Awaken me!"

He gazed into her eyes, as into a deep well full of memories, smothering him and making him feel all the sensations of the world simultaneously.

She wanted him, she was aching! And he wanted her, but wasn't ready to forgive yet.

He caught her lips with his. Advancing, attacking... Biting and slapping... He slammed her back into a tree trunk and pinning her body with his, he teared and pulled, pinched and crushed...

April moaned and screamed, allowing him to have his way. She wanted this! She longed for him to make her feel again! She grabbed his shell with her hands and brought her legs and thighs around him, enclosing him as close as possible. Softly repaying his roughness with soft kisses and moans, she encouraged him... absolving the physical pain he was causing her in exchange for the desired moral salvation. She didn't care what he did to her as long as he wanted her near, close.

With silent tears streaming down his face, Raphael made their pain go away... He thrusted in and out, without remorse, emptying all of his frustration into her! Into April! The one responsible for his suffering, the one responsible for his love.

His April! The one!


	2. Chapter 2

"I will do whatever you command, I will be your slave, your thing; you may treat me as you please, but do not reject me. I shall be lost, I cannot live without you"

( **Venus in Furs** by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch)

* * *

April was utterly mesmerized by the skillful hypnotizing movements of dancing muscles under the glow of last rays of light - the imponderable strokes of green upon the white surface of clean fresh snow.

The training, taking place in the snow-piled yard was a sight taking April back to the first time she ever saw the turtles in action. Making a mental note that until this very moment she didn't even realize how much she missed this, April wrapped herself tighter into the tartan blanket she brought with her from the living room. A steaming mug of tea between her palms kept her thoroughly warm and cozy in the late winter afternoon, the aroma of Leo's perfect tea-brew making her semi-day-dreaming even more fairy-tale-like.

She sat musing, unable to take her gaze away from **him** \- memories of her past life streaming through her mind, harmonizing with the occurrences in front of her eyes, creating a new collage of pleasurable, nostalgic, painful, heart-rending, aching and overall homely feelings.

She was home. That's what home felt like... She completely forgot!

She focused her eyes on Raphael's body: how he was throwing himself onto his brothers, the cries he produced when he attacked, his style and strategic choices of combat - all so familiar, all so very personal. She couldn't help but smile nostalgically observing the sweep of his hand, the strength of his throw, the range of his jump. That rage and that hunger in his eyes. She really missed that... His desire, just so very desperate, wild even!

All of a sudden, for the very first time a curious fact occurred to her: Raphael's fighting technique unmistakably reminded her of the way he... Yeah... The thought bewildered her, turning the training session before her eyes into some seductive dance, setting all her body on fire. Scenes from their tryst this morning kept running through her mind, sending electrifying chills down her spine, pictures kept popping up in her memory. She could still feel his rough touch: the grip of his freakishly-strong hands and the nip of his teeth on her skin, so violent and at the same time so loving.

Was he even aware of her watching his every move, keeping track of every inch of his body? April bit her lip and tried to calm her raging longing for Raphael's touch - not her first throughout the long years of separation. She had to make things right, now that they've had the initial leap to reestablish their relationship. Was that what it was?! Or was she only deluding herself? She wanted to build her life anew - if such a thing was even possible, and jumping into a sloth of shameless behavior, making love in the middle of the woods may be the unprecedented style which characterized Raphael so much, and was indeed exactly what she needed, but it still may not have been the correct way to address their complicated situation.

Making love...

Could it be that in the past she never actually..?

April caught herself on the horrifying thought - until this afternoon in the woods, she has never truly made **love** to Raphael before... Of course, they used to have sexual relations in the past. He was young, confused, inexperienced, eager and determined, and she took advantage of that. It was an innocent idea, sort of an experiment to see what it would feel like... She remembered how curious she was, how light-minded... and reckless...

She was supposed to protect the turtles from the irreparable harm of modern society. Keep their secret, and keep them away from corruption, exploitation, human nature of capitalism and destruction. But instead, she violated her sacred moral oath by spoiling and breaking the purest and most fragile of all things - the unprecedented tenderness and vulnerability of a young heart in love.

Raphael fell in love with her all those years ago. He trusted her and gave her everything he could, and she took... and took, and took... away... Not yet ready to realize her true happiness, convinced that the whole thing was a silly mistake... She wanted to run away, to escape the burden...

Why are we always the worst enemies to ourselves?!

In spite of her strong feelings, it seemed clear to her from the very beginning that their strange and unacceptable relationship should not have taken place. He's mutant. She's human. It was wrong and unfair towards him in the first place. April did not intend it to go that far. She didn't expect to fall in love...

* * *

"Ra-a-a-a-a-aph?" – crowed Michaelangelo, when the two brothers were alone in the kitchen cooking dinner - Mike's special home-made pizza!

Raphael felt so high-spirited ever since this morning, he actually volunteered, in spite of himself, to help his annoying baby brother in the kitchen. But after the training this afternoon he found himself in a turmoil all over again. All the different diversive feelings inside him simply couldn't find a common ground. He questionably looked at his youngest brother, while Mike reproachfully stared back with his huge blue eyes, smiling accusingly.

"Totally busted, dude! I saw you and a certain redhead walking towards the woods and taking quite some time to retu-u-u-u-u-rn…" Mikey's smile just kept expanding more a more on his green freckled physiognomy.

Raphael's natural response would've been: best scenario – sulky grumbling about whose business it was and whose it wasn't, worst scenario – Mike becoming his new punching bag. However, for some reason, the red-masked turtle brushed the remaining flour off his hands and sank into a nearby chair, heavily sighing.

Mike was taken aback by this unexpected behavior and his expression changed as he became concerned: "Wow, dude! What's up with you?" He waited for several moments just to make sure his brother was for real and not simply messing with him. Mike definitely didn't want to hit any nerves. Then slowly approaching the hothead, he set in front of him, noisily dragging a chair: "Bro?"

It seemed like Raphael was looking for something on the kitchen floor. He sighed again.

"Raph, man... Is everything cool?"

"I donno'..." The hothead suddenly spoke, "S'like... I love'er, Mikey" He still didn't make eye contact, "But... I jus'... I can't!"

"What? Can't what?" Michaelangelo's instincts started to wake up bit by bit. He was amazed at the fact that his brother actually decided to share his true feelings with him - it was a very rare occasion!

"I can't jus' take'er back... or whateva'..." Rapael's emerald gaze shot arrows straight at Mike, "S'not like she can dance into our lives wheneva' she pleases and jus' do whateva' she wants!" He paused, trying to read his brother's expression to figure out his position on the matter.

The wheels in Mike's head were turning and he placed a reassuring hand on Raphael's shoulder: "Raph, you love her, man! You always have! She made a mistake... We all make them... It's been so so long! Isn't it the right time to forgive and allow your own happiness?!" Mike looked at his big brother with an expression full of hope.

"Mikey, s'not that simple between'er and me... and... and I'm not like **you**..." He groaned, unable to finish that thought.

"Like me?"

"Ya' know... rainbows, cheery birdies and unicorns puking flowers all ova'..." He abstractly gestured his hands around.

"I'm not all rainbows and..." Mike felt offended a little, "Raph, this's got nothing to do with that!"

"'Den what'i's got ta' do with, Mikey? Do fill me in..." He said sarcastically rolling his eyes.

Michaelangelo pursed his lips for a moment and then said: "It's pretty obvious she came back to be with **you**!"

The muscles in Raphael's jaw tensed. He blinked and the emerald green light in his eyes quivered...

* * *

"I really don't know what I'm doing anymore, master Splinter!" April's perplexed stare was directed into the emptiness, focused on nothing in particular.

The old rat master attentively watched the woman with his keen eyes, a contemplative expression on his furry gray face. They were sitting facing each other on top of a tatami in the heated room Splinter chose for his temporary dwelling in the farm house.

The wise old master smiled softly and gently touched April's face with his hand: "I dare say, my child, there is nothing to be worried about… only to be patient! The boys need some time..." He paused, taking a breath and squeezing her shoulder, "They need to understand and to empathize!"

"Of course…" April smiled faintly at him.

"Do try not to blame yourself, April! What has happened – happened, and it is only natural… my sons know that!"

"Yes, I hope you're right, but I am at fault and the guys are still so young and ambitious. They lack your wisdom, Splinter, and their life-experience circulates around so very few people..." She sighed and grimaced, shutting her eyes, "I've practically broke their hearts! And I've caused you all a lot of pain!"

"April" Splinter gently touched her palm with his furry fingers, "You have been a good and reliable friend to our small special family for years! You kept our secret and you supported us as much as you could! Having absolutely no obligation, you agreed to be our intermediary to the outside world, choosing to care for us and we were lucky enough to be able to return the favor!" He shut his eyes, his ears twitching slightly, "I, personally, couldn't ask for a better friend for my family! Loyal and loving as always, my child!"

"But…"

Splinter warmly squeezed April's palm between his two. She clenched her fingers around them as if her life depended on it, intently looking into his loving fatherly eyes - they were smiling at her. And she couldn't believe how lucky she actually was to have Splinter in her life. So thankful for his forgiveness and his forever bewildering amazing sense of reason, April's heart threatened to jump out of her chest. The tears naturally appeared in her eyes. She couldn't stop them. Holding on to her friend, her sensei, her father, and feeling his hands' fragileness and ephemeral energy, she didn't want to let go. She wanted to make him see how much she desired to give him all the love in the world, supply all the energy, provide all the strength she could: "Sensei, you've always been the mainstay for us all! I love you like a father! Forgive me for any pain I've caused over the years!" Laying her palms onto the tatami below, she bowed her head very low, almost touching the floor with her forehead (- Japanese way of showing incredible gratitude and respect).

The old rat softly cupped April's chin and pulled her face up: "I too always loved you as daughter! There is nothing to forgive, my dear!" His face - an expression of great bliss, "You are always welcome into our family, April! You are forever a part of it!"

April wanted to hug Splinter more than anything, but out of respect for the old master she held back, refraining herself. However, as if reading her mind, the wise ninjitsu master smiled widely and spread out his arms in a welcoming embrace, in which April carefully engaged shedding more tears, this time of joy and relative relief.

"All my sons are special in their own way! But... Raphael has a delicate soul, my child…" Splinter said, slowly breaking their embrace. April's heart skipped a beat. How did he always know exactly what was on her mind!? "You will have to work hard and be very careful this time around!" He slightly winked at her, when his eyes met April's nervous and embarrassed stare.


	3. Chapter 3

13 years into the past...

It was quiet in the apartment on the second floor of the old house with its old peeling walls. Only the kitchen tap would drip from time to time and police sirens would disturb the relative stillness of this bad neighborhood. The long forgotten tv screen rippled like some kind of epileptic attack, blinking in the dark, allowing short quick snatches of the darkened room and the fast asleep man. A wrinkled tank shirt over a pair of loose underpants was all Casey Jones had on, passed out on his old living room couch, his fingers wrapped around an empty bottle tugged to his chest.

Looking at his human friend (first ever human friend) Raphael lingered, as his heart warned to crawl slowly out of his chest and drop to the floor, so he could step on it contentiously until he would feel no more of this... this pain! What was the right thing to do in a situation like this? He loved Casey, there was no doubt on that part! But he also longed for April so desperately, he couldn't even keep track of his emotions anymore. His life was absolute hell… As if walking all over his brainiac-brother's feelings wasn't enough, he managed to betray his best friend's trust, and worst of all - he was going to stain in his eyes the reputation of the woman he loved. How does one come out of all this in any kind of dignity? How was he to collect and glue back together the scattered pieces of his stupid life?

Was it even worth it?

Warm summer breeze slightly flipped the red scraps of his bandana ends, moving them in unison with the ragged curtain behind his shell. Stepping lightly away from the open window, he carefully and attentively chose where to place his feet, knowing that the floor was filled with enormous amounts of garbage such as beer cans, pizza boxes, newspapers, unwashed clothes and what not. Sighing, he fumbled for the remote and eventually turned the tv off. The room went absolutely dark, but Raphael could still make out the objects' outlines in the darkness (throughout the years he got used to sneaking back to the lair undetected, after his brothers and sensei had long been asleep).

Casey's bag, the vigilante usually dragged on every patrol or operation with the turtles (or his solo acts) was leaned against the wall at the far back, some of his weapons of choice were scattered on the floor. And the turtle couldn't help but smirk to himself (appreciatively, mind you) at his closest friend and his disgusting habits. It looked like Casey might have tried to play an improvised game of hokey with his hokey stick and an old tin can right there on the floor of his apartment, probably just before he dozed off. But the smile was wiped right off the turtle's face when a glass bottle rolled rattling over the floor all of a sudden, being kicked by his abstractedly incautious step. Raph flinched and froze in place, holding his breath. "Some stealth there, ya' stupid moron!" – he cursed.

"Raph? That you, man?" Sitting up straight, Casey was squinting in the darkness, trying to see who was there, while holding his bottle in front of his face, defending himself.

"Yeah, yeah… shellax, would ya'?" Giving up on his failed ninja-ing, Raph sank into the couch beside Casey, "And what exactly were ya' tryin'a do with 'dat thin'?"

Absently shrugging, Casey lowered his 'weapon' and scratched his eyes, then turned the floor lamp on (it wasn't really a floor lamp, though, it was simply a lamp that was on the floor): "Did I forget about some gig again?" – he asked, all confused and yawning widely.

"Wha? No… there's no GIG! En' ya' really should lock yer window, man… at least from time to time, ya' know... I didn't even have ta' make any effort!"

"Oh..." - said Casey, scratching his groin, "Okay… so what's up? Wanna a beer?"

"That'd actually be great!" Raphael prayed for some kind of a distraction.

"Help yourself, 's in the fridge" Saying that, the half-naked vigilante went to the toilet and took a loud wiz without shutting the door, while the turtle got up and went to the kitchen.

Moments later Raphael came back holding two beers: "Wouldn't hurt takin' care of that leakin' tap..." and he handed a beer to Casey, who was already back on the couch.

"Yup…" - said the human, popping open his fresh bottle of beer.

For several minutes, which felt to Raphael like hours, they just sat together in silence sipping their beers. Then the turtle sighed and, pulling himself together, precipitously looked at his friend.

"What?!" – snorted Casey in return.

"Nothin'..." - said Raphael and looked at his beer.

"What, the beer's not cold enough or somethin'?"

Raphael shook his head and taking another sip, put his drink on the floor: "Case, listen I… um… need to tell ya' somethin'… 's kind'a important!"

"Spill it out already, jeez!" - said the human, tossing several strands of his messy hair away from his eyes. Casey was used to Raphael's unannounced nightly visits. The turtle would often come over offering no explanations whatsoever. And that was okay in Casey's book. That's what friends are for. He knew how families could be sometimes, and he and Raphael shared the same amount of temper control. Sometimes they'd go picking fights with the street gangs to blow some steam, other times Raphael'd just crush on his couch, then in the morning he'd be gone. Simple as that. This time however, wasn't like all the others...

Raphael procrastinated a bit more, scraping the label off his beer using his thumb, and then just as if he was a kid who had to get over with it and gulp some super disgusting medicine, he suddenly fired out: "I love April! There you have it, okay? Fuck, man!"

Casey fixedly gazed at his friend's face for several long minutes, then pronounced absentmindedly: "Yeah, Raph. We all do..." - and slowly rolled his eyes.

Raphael aggressively shook his head as he face-palmed and growled. And Casey's mouth slammed shut as his eyes widened in surprise: "Oh, shit... you mean..."

The turtle shut his eyes as well and nodded, anticipating a burst or at least some kind of an aggressive response. However...

"Right…" Casey gulped down the rest of his drink in one breath and placing the empty bottle on the floor (to join the others) grabbed the turtle's shoulder in what he believed to be an act of friendly support. Only Raphael jumped at the sudden touch and ended up towering above the human, his fist in the air inches away from Casey's nose. "What's ya' problem, man?" Casey was taken aback by this unexpected move. This move meant that the turtle was ready for a fight, and that necessarily meant that there was a reason for such...

"Sorry!" Raphael released his grip and was by the window again in seconds, "This is a mistake! I should go..."

Casey jumped to his feet, knocking off all the beer bottles and spilling everything all over the floor: "Wait, Raph! Don' just drop a bomb like that on me and jump ouda' window... Let's talk! Maybe we can work something out... like we used to? I mean, we've sort'a been through this before..."

The turtle's white stealth-mode eyes drilled into Casey's pleading stare: "This time's not like before, Casey!" - he slowly whispered.

Casey scratched his nape, trying to figure out what was going on in his friend's green head, then spread his arms, shrugging: "Well, a'right... But don't you wanna talk to me? Isn't that what ya' came here for in 'da first place?"

Raphael remained still at the window, looking somewhat miserable and lost: "Casey! You don' understand! Everything's different now..." The human waited for him to continue, but the turtle just stood unable to bring himself to say what needed to be said. Casey searched his buddy's face, what was he hiding?

"We love each other!" Raphael's voice cracked a little when he said that, "There's nothin' here ta' work out, Case... I only wanted to be a good friend and tell you... first.."

"Wait!" The man was shaking his head in disbelieve, his long, messy, black hair scattering around his face, "Are you telling me that you two..?"

Raphael felt how close he was to the edge of his temper and snapped: "Yes Casey! We fucked! April and I had sex! That's what I'm telling ya'... is that so hard to believe?!"

Casey's face went dark, as he had to regulate a grimace of relative indifference to conceal the dagger (or more appropriately the sai) which went right through his heart, and there was a sudden twitch in his arm before he could find it in himself to react to what was just said: "When? When did ya'..?"

"Just before I came here..." Raphael's hands were shaking from the force with which he was clutching his fists in anticipation of an attack.

Casey Jones' brain was vigorously working overtime, making sense of the whole ridiculously unbelievable... excruciatingly painful situation his best friend just described to him. His best friend? The world was collapsing in front of his eyes. How could he do this to him?! Why?

Eventually, Casey took a deep breath and smoothing his hair back, away from his face, he took a step toward the turtle - to which Raphael reacted in taking his fighting position (no sai, just good ol' pair of green fists). Casey froze and raised his hands in front of himself indicating surrender and that he wasn't intending to fight, "Raph, buddy... Let's talk about it like adults, okay?"

Without moving a muscle, Raphael hissed clenching his teeth: "I didn't mean it to be like that, man! It jus'... It jus' happened..." He let out a miserable sigh and lowered his fists, his eyes went down to his feet, his head followed, "I... I'm sorry..."

Casey frowned: "You didn't **mean**..?" His hardly audible laughter alarmingly echoed through the room: "So you just **accidentally** landed **into** her? Is that what yer saying ta' me?"

"What? No... That's not..."

"Did you hurt her?" Casey cut him off, "Because if ya' did..."

Running this argument several times in his head before he came here, Raphael convinced himself that he was ready and that this was the right thing to do. Now he wasnt't all that sure anymore. The truth was, he was afraid. He was afraid of hurting Casey... not physically - that'll heel eventually, as always, 'cause it wouldn't have been the first time. He was afraid to hurt his friend's feelings. He never intended to betray his trust. Raphael was terrified that the situation with April would hurt Casey so much that he will lose him... this time forever.

"I'd never..." Raphael shook his head in disbelieve and contempt. He covered his eyes with his fists, avoiding Casey's eyes, and continued: "She called me... said you two had a fight or somethin'... "

"I don' understand..." Casey's voice finally gave away his swallowed pain, "We didn't fight... Why would she say that? Raph... why would you do this to me?"

Behind the hard chest-plates Raphael's heart exploded into millions of sharp pieces that immediately scattered all around his insides, impaling everything on their way. All his body ached when he repeated (maybe to make himself believe in the truth that it was): "I love her, Casey. I know you do too... But..."

"NO!" This time Casey almost hollered, cutting in, "No no.. You hear me? No! This can't be true!" He grabbed his head with his hands and looked to his feet at the floor, "I don't wanna fight you, Raph..."

Raphael stood still, immovable like a siege wall on the outside, but crashed and broken on the inside: "Me neither... But it might make ya' feel better..."

Casey raised his eyes at his so-called-friend and unable to master his emotions anymore he raised his hand and... slammed his fist into a nearby wall. It just went right through. Then he just stood there like that, shaking whole-bodily, tears streaming down his face, blood sliding down the wall and dripping onto the floor. "Get out!" - he hissed, "Get the fuck out'a here! I can't... What am I supposed to..? Fuck!"

Frozen in his place, Raphael watched his friend in agony. He was not intending to go... Not anymore... Not after he realized how much Casey needed his best friend right now. Moreover, he didn't really mind getting a little beat up, all in all he felt like he deserved it. "Case, yer bleedin'. We need'a patch ya' up..." - he said, trying to sound relaxed and soothing as much as he could, and making a few steps toward the human.

"Stay away!" Casey's voice reached an unfamiliar timbre. Nevertheless, the turtle kept moving silently and determinedly in his direction, "...don' come any closer! I'm warnin' ya'!" Casey's vision got blurry, as more and more tears were rolling down his face. He couldn't believe it! He felt like he couldn't breath. The pain in his right fist (still remaining inside the wall) was pulsing right into his swollen brain, but his maniacally beating heart was the actual reason for the particular way he felt at those moments.

"I'm sorry, man!" Raphael pulled his friend's hand out of the wall and carefully placed it at his side. Then fixedly looking into the man's face, he slowly touched his elbow and his shoulder, squeezing gently to check for any more possible damage. Casey didn't even flinch, only grunted slightly. And Raphael's eyes widened in astonishment, when all of a sudden stepping closer to the turtle, the human slowly lowered his head into the green shoulder, sobbing silently.

With tears and blood dripping to the floor, the two best friends stood together, holding each other and refusing to let go. No woman in the world could ever separate their bond. No woman in the world...

Except for April O'Neil.


	4. Chapter 4

"What were you thinking?!"

Raphael's expression of offense slowly became one of confusion. Only minutes ago he was awoken from deep sleep by totally in-raged April, bursting into his room. The sleep-drunk turtle rubbed his eyes, sitting up in his hammock.

"Raph!? Did you hear me?"

"The whole lair can hear ya', April!" Raphael's brain was hard at work trying to recollect what might be the reason of her super-wind-up state. Last night everything seemed to be lovey-dovey. He blinked at the bright light irritating his eyes, then turned his emerald gaze to the source of his unpleasant awakening. The redhead was angrily pacing across his room, her face wet from recent sobbing, her eyes swollen.

"What happened, April? Why ya' so upset?" Raphael was suddenly frightened that something seriously bad had happened.

"OMG!" – she raged, "What happened? You're asking me what happened?! Seriously, Raphael?! What have you done?! Now it's over… I don't… Oh, god! I don't know what to do?"

April's crying and general edgy state, that in any other occasion would surely make the hothead turtle very uncomfortable (most likely resulting in his quick departure, escaping this whole situation), this time, considering what happened between them last night, made him jump off to the floor, catch the hysterical woman in his arms and embrace her, pinning her to his chest: "It's okay… everythin's gonna be fine!" – he chanted, comforting her, but mostly trying to convince himself.

She must have talked to Casey! This is happening…

April tried to wiggle out and away from his strong grip, shaking her head, twisting her arms and slapping him. But it was all in vain. Raphael held her strong, immovable and perfectly still. When she ceased trying to escape, he loosened his embrace just enough to pick into her eyes: "April… I had to tell'im! I mean, it's Casey!" – he said softly.

The woman had a very miserable and exhausted expression on her face: "What exactly did you tell him, Raph?"

Stroking her messy hair and gently pressing his face to the top of her head, Raphael calmly answered: "The truth…"

April breathed out and pushed him away. Settling on the floor in the corner, she hid her face in her hands and cried… and cried…

* * *

Michelangelo was humming to himself, indulged in his morning routine, masterfully preparing everything needed: coffee – check, pancakes – check, scrambled eggs – check, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers – check, roasted slices of bread – check… what else, what else..? Everything seemed to be ready.

He boiled some water especially for Leo's traditional tea, and even grilled some cheese bites to spoil master Splinter. Then, when he was just about to go see whether Donnie had crushed in the lab again last night (so that he could AGAIN save his shell from Leo's usual scolding), he grabbed the coffee pot and... sudden hurried footsteps made him look in the direction of the corridor. Muttering something incomprehensible, Raphael appeared on the footstep, and immediately startled, froze meeting Mikey's surprised stare.

"Morning, bro!" Coffee in one hand and freshly toasted poptart in another, with an apron around his waist, the freckled turtle smiled at his big brother, "Up so early? The practice doesn't start until nine…"

"Shush, Mikey! You haven't seen me here, got it?!"

"O...kay" Mike was a little confused, but all the same playfully winked toward Raphael, while the hothead groaned in annoyance, rushing past his little brother toward the sink.

That's when Mike noticed the tears. His older brother started washing his face, splashing water everywhere! Raphael never cried. Well, not since they were babies, anyway…

"Um... Raph? Are you okay?" Mikey carefully placed the steaming coffee on top of the table (Donnie can wait, besides that way he'll get those totally needed extra minutes of sleep) and fumbling his new "kiss the chef" apron (a present from April), came closer: "Raph?"

"Mikey!" – Raphael slammed both fists into his brother's plastron, stopping him in place: "I said: you haven't seen me!"

Michelangelo raised a brow and at the same time squinted, observing his older sibling closely, "Hmmm… you're so not okay! What's up?" He carefully removed Raphael's fists away from his chest and offered him the corner of his apron to wipe his wet face. Raphael opposed at first, but then sighing, and muttering under his nose: "Leo and Don better never hear about this!" took the offered corner and brutally scrubbed his cheeks with it, pulling the whole apron and inevitably Mike with it, since they were still attached to each other. The orange turtle giggled, pushing away, but suddenly realized he was drawn into a hug.

"Raphie? Are you hugging me?! **You are hugging me**!" With quite a tremendous amount of confusion, Mike returned Raphael's rarely acquired embrace. But as much as he was enjoying this uncommon moment of tenderness with his usually crude sibling, the youngest brother knew something really bad must have happened to bring this on: "What happened, dude?"

Raphael kept still and didn't make a sound, not letting go either.

"Um, dude?" Mikey began seriously worrying about his brother: "Talk to me, Raph…"

"It's April…" The quick snappy words were muttered into Mike's neck, "…and Casey!"

"Wow… uh oh!" Big blue eyes blinked and, pushing a bit away, looked into the green glittery ones, "What did you do?"

"Me?!" Recoiling, Raphael hit his little brother on his shoulder with a fist, "Why is it always me?"

"Okay… then who?" Mikey was rubbing the sore spot on his shoulder, while trying to read what the other was feeling, "Did Casey do something to make you mad?"

"What's going on here?" Leonardo's voice made both of them flinch in surprise.

Groaning, Raphael let Mikey go and landed on one of the chairs, hiding his face in his fists and muttering something that sounded like cursing.

"Nothing!" Mikey's face projected innocence and total openness.

"Didn't sound like nothing…" - said the leader, turning his face toward Raphael: "Raph? Care to explain?"

"I don' have'ta explain anything to ya', LEO!" The sound of Raphael's voice was distorted and dimmed by the presence of his fists at his mouth. Only the last two syllables, his brother's name, were pronounced into the room with the full force of his vocal cords, since Raphael suddenly jerked his head up.

Sensing the inevitable, Mikey stepped forward: "Leo, seriously, it's nothing… I just asked Raph to help me out here…" But his brothers both looked at him simultaneously and dismissively, so Mikey didn't have a choice but to shut his mouth, and grabbing the coffee, slowly sneak out of the kitchen.

Left alone, Leonardo silently walked over and sat opposite Raphael, fixedly staring at him.

"It's… it's not my fault…" Raphael slightly kicked at the table-leg, "It's nobody's fault…"

Leo waited, not saying a word.

"What?" – snapped Raphael all of a sudden, "How is it MY fault that April called me and said all of those things..?! What was I supposed to do, Leo?!"

"April?" Leonardo was trying to make sense of all this… nonsense, "What exactly happened, Raph?"

Raphael sighed, turning his eyes to the floor, and slammed his elbows on top of the table, leaning his head on them face down: "She called and sounded really upset… I tried calming her ova' 'da phone, but it was no good… and then she tells me to come ova'… and that she's done with Casey! And she sounded so hurt, Leo…" He sighed again.

Leo shook his head disapprovingly, then calmly asked: "Raph, what did you do..?"

Silence…

"Just tell me, Raphael…"

The hothead slowly raised his head about to answer, but immediately locked his eyes with approaching Donatello. The brainiac's expression was inflexible as he relentlessly looked at his two brothers at the table. Raph's breath caught up in his throat and he couldn't move his tongue. As it turned out, he was utterly unable to face the whole reality of his actions. He was unable to face Donnie… unable to say it to his face…

But undoubtedly everyone in the room, including Mikey who was constrainedly standing at the door behind Don's shell, already knew…

* * *

A few hours earlier...

"Hi, April!" Raphael's over-cheerful voice greeted the redhead as she opened her window to let the turtle in. She was in her bath-robe, her hair in a little bun with several stripes loose surrounding her weepy irritated expression.

Raphael noticed that she's been crying, but acted as if he didn't, smiling widely at her grumpy face and angry impatient gestures. He was here without his father's consent or his brother's knowledge. It was the middle of the night and since they were _"very young and knew nothing of the dangers of the world above"_ , they were not allowed to leave the lair and walk around the city alone, not to mention without notifying anyone about their whereabouts. Raphael didn't care. He knew only one thing – April needed him, she was hurt, and nothing could stop him from getting to her.

He shut the window and pulling his sai out of his belt, secured them on the coffee table. Then without saying a word he took hold of the woman's shoulders and gently lad her to the couch. There he carefully placed her in his embracing arms as she sobbed, and ranted, and raged, and sobbed some more…

In order to make her feel a little better, Raphael softly petted her on the head. It was kind of an involuntary gesture. He didn't know what else to do, but it seemed to work on Mikey every time, so he figured why not try it on his human friend as well. The response was nothing like he expected. April let out a short soft wheeze and, for some reason, let her hair loose. Then she got up and left without saying a word, returning only minutes later with a bottle of vodka in her hands. She sat right back at his side, pressing into him and politely offering him a sip. Taking it, Raphael couldn't think… he couldn't believe how close their bodies were. He could smell her perfume and, if he only wished it, run his fingers through her hair. He raised his hand to do just that, but hesitated freezing in his place. April was hurt, she was a mess… now getting drunk…

They sat together like this for a long while. He – offering her his energy and devotion, she – hungrily drinking it up and crying her heartache away.

"April" - Raphael said eventually, "Maybe you should get some sleep…"

"Yeah…" Deeply sighing, the woman snuggled against him even more, ramming her back into his carapace and placing her face into the curve of his neck.

Raphael's heart missed a beat when her warm breath tickled his skin. He took another sip of that vodka. That was definitely not what he meant by 'getting some sleep'. It took all of his concentration and (years of) ninjitsu training to remain outwardly calm (thank you, Splinter!). But when April's fingers, taking the bottle from him, unintentionally brushed over his chest all of sudden, he was a complete mess. Utterly confused, Raphael didn't know what to do. The alcohol in his system, even though not completely blurring his mind, somewhat effected his responsibility level. His imagination was running wild, as he struggled to restrain his receding common sense. In a desperate attempted of taking control, he tried to practice a breathing exercise they recently learned: slowing all bodily functions in order to save oxygen and establish a meditative type of being. But all that went down the drain when April suddenly spoke into his neck.

"Raph" Her voice sounded hazy and sleepy, "Take me to the bedroom... please…"

Raphael's eyes widened so much, he was afraid they might fall out of their sockets. Oblivious, April encircled his neck with her arms, expecting to be picked up immediately. Biting his tongue inside his mouth in order not to lose his cool, he gently picked her up in his arms, forgetting all about Casey and the vodka, and stepped into the bedroom on quilted legs, where he lowered her into bed and was about to make turtle tracks, when he realized she wouldn't let go, pulling him into bed with her.

"Won't you stay with me?" – she questioned, keeping a surprisingly strong grab on his shell, "Please…"

"Sh… Sure…" was all he could manage, as he carefully placed himself beside her, his heart beating like a maniac. April sighed with content and smiled at him. He smiled back, his whole body a nervous wreck.

"But you'll have to take your mask and everything else off… " – she pointed at his belt, while getting under the covers, "that would be more fair if you want to get under here…"

And Raphael, not believing his own eyes, watched April take her robe off… he couldn't see anything since she was under the covers, but the simple suggestion and the mental image caused his head to spin in a much greater effect than the alcohol. He lay stiff like a log of wood, struggling to set his whole body into a restart mode.

She giggled.

"Let me help you with that" April's hand drifted towards his face to remove his bandana, while he hurriedly (unable to breath in the process) took off his belt and all the wrappings from his limbs.

"There! Much better!" – she exclaimed, picking up one side of the blanket and placing it on top of his torso.

The poor turtle shut his eyes, in a gesture of respect and at least some kind of awe at the sight of his female friend's bare skin picking out. April giggled again and, touching his face with her hand, lightly kissed his cheek: "You're such a gentleman!" She playfully caressed the rim of his chest plates, causing him to lose his breath again: "But it's okay to look, you know…"

Raphael opened his eyes, meeting April's gaze and her welcoming smile. He sheepishly smiled back unsure what the shell was happening.

"Did I make you uncomfortable?" – she required, "If you want to leave, I'll understand…"

"NO!"

The syllable was fired so fast and so determinately that it made them both burst out laughing. And after the mood was lightened, April pointed out in a more serious tone (in a manner not suitable for interpretation), meaning absolutely business: "I REALLY LIKE you, Raphael… and wanna try something, if you're up to it of course…"

Raphael's throat was suddenly so dry. He couldn't even move his jaw, as he swallowed hard and mutely nodded once.

"Perfect!" – said April, pulling so close to him that he could feel her breath on his face. Then smiling and looking straight into his eyes, she softly caught his lips with hers.


	5. Chapter 5

Raphael's brain cells were exploding in millions of nerve tingles. He couldn't think or regulate his breath. His blood was boiling in his veins, his pulse climbing up to new heights. He couldn't feel anger, or pain, or anguish, or any of the usual occupational perceptions he was so used to, every singe day of his life. He didn't want to open his eyes, afraid that the unbelievable thing which was happening might evaporate as if it was just a mere dream, and for the millionth time he would wake up in his hammock, frustrated, irreversibly disappointed… and alone.

It took all of his might, all of his practiced concentration to keep himself in check and not end up doing something he might regret later. What was happening was not only improbable and unlikely, it was something he was sure would never happen to him. Him - a mutant, a monster…

But against all odds, there she was…

The sensation of April's fingers slowly sliding down his plastron, tracing the ridges of his chest plates caused him to lose his breath time and time again. The smell of her hair was driving him insane! With a mischievous stare in her eyes, licking her lips, and moving those tempting hips of hers, the redhead was doing things to him, things he would only imagine in his wildest fantasies. The sensations she was making him experience by a simple touch of her hand! It was all too much…

Sure enough he was unable to get a hold of himself and control his own body. He could not stop the inevitable growl that was beginning to take form within his chest. Embarrassed, and pretending to clear his throat, in a miserable attempt to disguise the sounds of his arousal, Raphael stole a quick look to see her reaction.

With a quirky smile April placed one slim finger on his lips: "What might that mean, my yummy little mutant?!" Then she leaned into him and bringing her beautiful freckled face close to his snout, she softly lipped his lower lip, not kissing but clearly letting him know the question was strictly rhetorical.

At this, Raphael lost all self-control and freezing in place, sharply inhaled. April's tongue mocking his distress, was now traveling down his neck, her lips nipping his skin, her teeth biting here and there, causing the turtle to gasp and chirr even louder. April! Beautiful, amazing, gentle April… so pure… so sexy… was lustfully sucking and nibbling his neck, massaging his biceps and groping him all over. Her hands were everywhere! Raphael was beside himself, confused with the sudden turn of events and blinded by his enraging hormones. He imagined this scenario in his head so many times, spending many nights clutching his pillow, taking numerous cold showers, restraining himself in multiple occasions. And now he was here. In her bed. For real. She was on top of him. Naked and throbbing. There was only one thing on her mind. And it was him!

Involuntarily and absolutely surprising his own self, Raphael suddenly got a hold of her hips, bringing an immediate stop to her teasing: "April…" The poor turtle seemed to forget how to use his tongue in the means of human speech, "Ah… I…" Somewhat reluctantly and gently he pushed away. Her hands were still enclosing his neck, thighs hugging his pelvis. She meant business. "Okay!" He was trying to catch his breath, "What… (exhale) what's happenin'?!"

"What do you mean?" April's swollen lips curled up a little, "Does this need any more explanation?" Her hand went in between his legs and grabbed his left thigh as much as her little palm could catch. She squeezed, gently but firmly massaging the spot.

Raph gulped. Caught her stare, driving her attention away from his crotch and toward his face. Regulating his breath, he said: "April, don' get me wrong! I want 'dis! I really do… " He stopped himself, took another breath and went on: "Question is: 'dis what'chu want? 'Cuz you been drinking.. and…"

April's expression turned serious: "You've been drinking too!"

"Yeah.. but that's not the point!" He touched her face with the back of his hand, softly and with care, "I don' wan' you to get hurt!"

"Who said anything about hurting anyone?" The redhead grinned, taking a hold of his hand on her face and sucking on one of the green fingers, "Don't you want to know what it's like?" Her face, with its red cheeks and enumerable tiny freckles, obtained an offended expression: "Don't you want to?" Rosy lips sealed in a thin short line of offense.

That straight forward question set the frustrated mutant into a corner. Of course he wanted her. If he knew anything in his life, this was for sure: he wanted her! Then why did it feel so… so misplaced. Is this a mistake? An appetizing, juicy mistake, sure to fulfill all of his sexual fantasies? Because everything would be changed forever between them. Nothing will be the same. **He** won't be the same! This may be his one in a life time opportunity… But what if it didn't work? What if… What if he hurt her? Caused her pain… He quickly drove those thoughts away. How could he ever hurt her? And how could he say no to those big glistening eyes, her flushed face and that stubborn quivering bottom lip.

Raphael smiled a nervous short-lived smile: "How can I eva' say no to you?"

Her expression changed again, "Then what are we waiting for?" Small delicate fingers trailed down the length of green muscular arms, and cupping the huge three-fingered palms, she moved them from her hips and toward her breasts. Raphael could feel how April's heartbeat quickened at his touch. Still constrained, he gazed into her eyes: "Aren't you scared… of this?"

"Scared?" Single reddish eyebrow arched, "Scared of what? Of you? My closest friend? The person who saved my life uncountable times… who has always been there for me, offering a helping hand, a protective shell!?"

She kept her palms on top of his, gently caressing her own body. Raphael smiled sheepishly but didn't respond. April smiled back at him: "Raph?" He looked back at her… "Kiss me..!" Her face drove closer again, so that he could see the mesmerizing design of her cute freckles when her lips rested on his. And this time Raphael allowed himself to cut loose. He kissed April, doing that meaningfully for the very first time. And it was all he ever imagined. She was soft and gentle, and her lips tasted like summer breeze, whipped cream and freshly baked vanilla muffins.

But **this** was not a ninjitsu skill. And his natural sense of rage, which became so habitual to him that he couldn't even imagine a single moment in his life without it, could not help him on this. This was a whole new territory for Raphael. He didn't feel in control. He didn't even feel moderately sure of himself. To his own surprise and bewilderment, he discovered in himself an uncanny gentle nature, a covert softness buried deep inside.

Stroking and caressing April's delightful body, he could clearly sense the gradual descend of his aggressive character, and an awakening of a new form. A better and improved form of himself. He was becoming a being of love and affection, of value and aspiration. Not some unfortunate scientific mistake… As if all his life up until now he was pursuing some vague goal, never knowing what he was looking for, always searching for answers in complete darkness. And then, wham! He has finally found it. This something, always missing in his life, the lost piece of the puzzle, his inevitable salvation… was April!

The chirr from the depth of his body was little by little letting know of itself again, reminding him of his natural animalistic qualities. He tried to suppress his urge and the uncomfortable pressure at the lower part of his shell between his legs. But several minutes into what they were doing: April's lips drinking his, delicate hands traveling on his skin, long polished nails scratching his shell, and Raphael could no longer hold it back. He was right away so embarrassed by his body's abruptness, that he procrastinated and apologetically looked at the girl's face. She didn't miss out on that, and the reaction was immediate: she slyly smiled at the stressed, almost frightened fire in his emerald eyes, and sneakingly pushed her hands down his carapace, locking them on the newly emerged organ.

Raphael has never seen as many flashes and sparks in front of his eyes before. Not when he was being smacked on the head by Splinter's staff for misbehaving, nor when he was fighting with Leo on one of the occasions of their ever occurring 'misunderstandings', nor even the time he fell off his bike breaking his limbs and getting a concussion. This was something else. Something new. Something excruciatingly exciting. And he needed time to process it… But why was he thinking of his dad and his stupid arrogant brother at a time like this?! Wait, was April saying something? What was she saying..?

"Wow, Raph! You're… it's… HUGE!"

Her voice emerged from somewhere far away. And Raphael suddenly came to realize that his eyes were shut. When did he shut his freaking eyes?! Can he even control his body anymore? What was she doing to him?! He scarcely opened his eyes and looked at the redhead in his lap, sitting up suddenly motionless. Her expression confused him even more. She was surprised..? Amazed? Apprehensive? He stared at her, considering the situation. Then stared down at her hands around his…

"Ssssorry…" – was all his infiltrated brain could come up with.

The girl gazed at the glassy emerald of the turtle's wide-open distressed eyes and… began to laugh. She began to laugh! Her shrill voice rang in his ears, paralyzing his very soul. He tried to remove himself from her embrace, wanted to run away and hide… but she held her grip on him, groping his shaft from all the angles, announcing between giggles and gasps: "Raph! Haha.. I am… Ah! Hehehe.. seriously.. Oh! So impressed!"

Dumbfounded, the turtle struggled to make sense of what was happening. And how in the name of the holy mutation he could stop her from making that terrifying noise.

"Oh my gosh, Raphael!" – she went on, "I never imagined.." – but she never completed the sentence, revealing what it was that she never imagined, because green muscular hands turned her over onto her back and pushed her down into the pillows.

April squealed and let go, as Raphael was forcefully pinning her to the mattress, towering above her fragile body. The laughter stopped. "I see you finally mean business, my little yummy mutant…" – she said, smiling widely in anticipation.

He needed to act fast. Do something. Take control of the situation.

Placing a hand on her cheek, he touched her parted lips. She licked and nodded, encouraging him to go on. He trailed the curves of her body down to her hips and lower, resulting in a little moan on her behalf. Maybe he was doing the right thing after all… She opened her legs wide and closes her eyes. Raphael hesitated, but his curiosity took over, not to mention the appetizing smell penetrating his nostrils and telling his body how and what to do next. His fingers brushed over the bushy softness at the crossroad of her long legs.

"Pleeeease, Raph…" – a slow whisper erupted from her lips, as she pulled him down and guided him to lie beside her. Then she kissed him. This time the kiss was long and lustful. She didn't play games anymore. Their tongues did all the playing. Then as if knowing and understanding his confused embarrassment, as if she was aware of his thoughts, of his current insecurity, she kept one of her legs bent in the knee, allowing him easy and open excess, and started touching herself.

What is she doing? Oh, shell… Raphael was losing his mind all over again. He followed her lead and grabbed himself. At what April smiled sweetly and gently placed his other hand on top of hers. Resulting in him touching her, touching herself. Then reassuringly looking into his eyes, she guided his hand inside the warm embrace of her sex. She was showing him… how and what to do. Between her spread legs she caught one of his thick fingers and attached it to a small bulge at the upper center of her organ. And when catching on, Raph began gently stroking it, April's reaction took his breath away. She arched her back like a pampered cat and softly moaned into his ear. Encouraged, remembering all the dirty movies they were forbidden to watch while growing up (but he and Mike of course secretly watched anyway), Raphael lowered his head and slightly licked one of her nipples. April's reaction was incredible: she murmured something that sounded like she was cussing and moved her hips up resulting in his fingers going deeper into her, as she was still controlling his hand.

Raphael couldn't stop himself from inhaling sharp, as he felt his body moving as if on its own in unison with hers. There was nothing more in the world except for April and her sweet moisture softness around his fingers. He wanted to be inside her! He never wanted anything more in his entire life. But he was afraid. Afraid of himself. Of what he might do. Of hurting her… He'll just concentrate on making her feel good then. He sucked the second nipple into his mouth, this time making April moan and wheeze. Her hands, leaving his hands be, moved around a bit eventually getting a dead grip on his shell, as she flipped the both of them on top of her bed.

"You're a big tease, Raphael…" Her voice sounded different from what he was used to, "But I'm done playing around… I want you… now!" Her lips were on his again, he didn't even have the opportunity to object. Her hands moved so fast, directing him inside her. It was overwhelming as much as it was satisfying. He was not worried of hurting her anymore, it was all so fluent and smooth. Raphael melted into her as soon as he had his first taste, his first thrust. And after that he didn't stop.


	6. Chapter 6

Raphael knew… He finally understood. April O'Neil was his ultimate doom - the infinite fixation of his desire, balancing at the very edge of craving.

It was futile to fight this! He was already defeated, feeling as defenseless, and ultimately as rapt, as the first time he participated in a real combat. The real thing! (Not some overseen practice in the dojo back at home, where he could rely on his brothers or sensei, but an actual combat in real life, where he remained naked and all alone against his adversary). Utterly exposed and loony from hormones, he was struggling not to lose a hold of himself at any cost. All he could think.. feel.. smell.. taste.. experience… was April. His entire existence concentrated on her. Every thought leading to her. Every nerve in his body asking for her.

April lay forward, crushing her breasts onto the solid of his chest-plates, "You really wore me out, you know…"

The turtle looked at the girl lying on top of him, still unable to believe what was in front of his eyes, and what went on mere minutes ago. It all happened so fast, he felt like he barely had a chance to comprehend any of it. In attempt of self control, he gathered all his emotions and impressions, tucked them deep into his shell, and obtaining a cushy, light expression, delivered his most tranquil smile: "Eh, ya' okay?" and gently tucked a stray wisp of messy red behind her tiny ear.

She bit on her knuckle, smirking at him: "You're kidding, right?" and laughed, but it wasn't the kind of hysterical laughter from before; this was an easy-going, cute, happy giggle that made the freckles on her nose dance happily. "I had no idea, Raph... (giggle) I mean, you just kept going and going!"

The tone of her voice was back to normal; no more lustful growling and grunting, this was the April he knew and adored. His April: gentle, witty, warmhearted, and so, so beautiful!

"Mmm..." - was all he could squeeze out of himself at that moment.

"Turns out it was exactly what I needed." She smiled at him, stretching on top of his chest and purring like a cat.

"It was my pleasure!" - he fired, right away catching himself on the irony. The hothead felt his face burning up. He didn't want to move and he didn't know exactly what to do next. He cleared his throat, "Was it… um.. you mean.. did I do good?"

April shrieked a little. Leaning on her arms, spread on both sides of his body, she looked up into his eyes: the emerald adoration, reflecting her own feelings. "Raphael, you have a natural talent in you. That..." She pulled up and gently kissed his lips, "...that was amazing! Congratulations, my sweet mutant… rest assured now… eh… until next time…"

 _ **Next time!?**_

The mess of feelings inside him, only a moment ago gradually regulating and settling down, now burst out in a new eruption. NEXT TIME. She said next time! This felt so incredibly good. Ah, so good! Was she for real? Or was it just the inevitable pick of some sort of hormonal fixation?

 _Ugh, did I just think up a totally Donatello kind of moralization?_ _ **Donnie**_ _! Oh, shell! What am I gonna tell D?_

But his troubling thoughts died away all at once at the face of April's sudden and unpredictable request. Hugging him tightly with her arms and legs, she whispered sleepily: "Stay here with me tonight..?"

Stay!?

He was about to wait till she fell asleep, then get up and awkwardly see himself out, but… **she asked him to stay!** She didn't want to get rid of him or forget what happened. SHE WANTED TO DO THIS AGAIN... Raphael smiled, catching himself on a realization that he succeeded in making April feel good, and even making her want more. Still astounding, in his eyes, was of course, the fact that he never imagined he would ever even get that far. He lay there like some kind of a half-wit, unable to take his eyes away. Because this girl was a sight too unbelievable to endure: beautiful red hair, cascading down her bare back like some mysterious river from another world, compelling his gaze to go further towards her perfectly shaped behind, ascending under his green palms (he was trying to cover up all the frisky freckles), two wonderfully soft lumps - her breasts, pressing against his plastron, as he could feel her heartbeat so close to his own, her delicate scent... Looking at April as if for the first time, he felt a new fire awakening inside him, his love growing and expending. It was all real, and right here. And it was his!

But was she? Was she really **his**?

Raphael's musings traveled against his will across town, to a certain second floor apartment with its peeling walls and dirty floors, always ready and welcoming cold beer, and somehow forever open door or window... a place, a sanctuary, where he knew he was always wanted and accepted, loved and appreciated no matter what.

Driving those thoughts away, Raphael put his arms around the girl's slender shoulders and closed his eyes. His mind was far from being at ease, and the thought of the impending serious talk with Mr. Jones was not about to leave him be, let alone make him feel at peace. However, something inside him kept telling him that it was going to be alright. It had to be!

He breathed in deeply and slowly let the air out, watching April's beautiful head rise and fall with his chest. And when the breathing of two bodies, so different, so unbelievably contradictory, yet so accurately adjusted, became even, moving identically in a synchronized unison, Raphael sighed and softly whispered into the stuffy air of her dark bedroom: "I love you…"

* * *

Back to nowadays…

The door was only half closed and April could see some of the room's contents. She couldn't believe how long it had been since she stepped into this room the last time.

The first thing that caught her eye was a mess of colorful rolls of wool disorderly filling every corner. They were everywhere, all the shelves, on the table, in between other scattered things on the floor. There were some on top of the bed, between the sheets, at the far back... Involuntarily, her hand moved up toward her neck, fingers feeling about where she wore her scarf almost all year long, the very special one.. handmade, red scarf…

Wavering for a while- stepping into his room without permission when Raphael was away, would have been unwise, to say the least, in the past, but now -the woman gently pushed the door just a teeny tiny bit, so she could get a glimpse. A number of rusty darts, ninja stars, old bent sai and.. (was it a kitchen knife?) were sticking out from the wall just opposite her. A target ring, painted with red chalk right there on the very surface, encircled them within its limits. A self-made skateboard, taking a rest in one of the corners, with various well-adjusted wheels, evidently assembled from different sets. Years have passed since it had been used. A lonely, worn out guitar forgotten on the floor. It'd been so long since she had heard him play it… so long since she had heard him sing…

Old posters hanging from the wall were mostly motorcycles and rock musicians… and some family photos. Those were so old, many of them turned yellow with time. April knew the turtles didn't have that many photos from their childhood, since Master Splinter was very cautious not to get them exposed to what he used to call _THE WORLD'S EYE,_ because _"one picture proving their existence in the wrong hands may turn into a dangerous weapon"_.Therefore, the Hamatos didn't have any family albums or anything of that kind. And so, this particular photo collage, so rare and so clearly intimate, probably meant the world to Raphael, as he kept it on the wall, at head of his bed all these years. The woman smiled sadly and slightly narrowed her eyes to try and make out those familiar, but well forgotten images.

In one of the pictures four turtle-brothers were mere children, six-seven years old maybe. It was clearly taken against Splinter's will. Rat-dad looked very displeased on the background, while in the front the brothers stood together: Donatello and Leonardo smiling into the camera, holding it from two opposite sides, in the center Raphael crushing Michelangelo in what looked like a deadly hug, the little freckled turtle suffocating with laughter. April couldn't help but smile self-indulgently. All four were partially covered with different kinds of food. This must've been taken after a successful food fight - everybody looked dirty, but happy, except for the moody rat behind their backs… (so much to clean up: disobedient children, all that mess in the kitchen and probably some in the hallway as well…)

In another picture, teenage Raph was standing in a standard fighting position facing Leo, while the others were neatly sitting on the tatami to the side. Initiation day! Some serious sparring went on that day and April knew all about it. The turtles told her this story many, many times, and every time some little detail would change, depending on the one who was retelling it. To sum up: Leo and Raph were the last ones standing. They sparred for hours, unwilling to give up, but eventually (somehow) Leo took lead. Still, despite it all, this historically annoying (probably humiliating) moment for Raphael found its way onto this legendary wall of family memorabilia, bringing a soft, innocent smirk onto April's face.

Another picture was of the old farmhouse at summer time, and April recognized her younger self sitting on a tree-swing, grinning and waving at the camera, while Mike was sneaking behind her back, getting ready to startle, or tickle, or any other Mikey-ish idea of a funny prank. Donnie took this one, she could remember it as if it was yesterday. His spellbound expression and the way he looked at her… April shut her eyes on the very verge of tears, and smiled through her pain thinking about the way he used to be - her young, innocent brainiac and his peculiar ways. So much has changed…

In another photo, there they were: the two hotheads of her life! April vividly remembered the day she took that photo with her own old camera. Grinning from ear to ear, Casey was hugging Raphael from behind. The turtle looked satisfied and unusually calm. His gaze, turned toward the camera, was full of emotion.

April sighed involuntarily, because that day, over a decade ago, everything changed in her life…

* * *

"'Dis dream… it was somethin' else!" Nervous notes evident in his tone, Raphael was leaning on a railing just at the edge of the roof, "We was all tiny babies, jus' hatched out of our eggs… mindlessly scrawling around in our glass tank, tryin'a figure out the word an' all. And 'der's Leo and Donnie, but I can't see Mikey anywhere… I know he's supposed to be 'der, I feel somethin's not right, he's jus' gone! And s' not like I could ask or anythin', I mean I'm just a dumb pet baby-turtle, right? So I start looking for'im… I circle that stupid glass tank twice before on the third time I come around Mike's egg. And it's hatched! So I'm thinking: ok, then he must be around somewhere, right? And then…" he paused, looking straight ahead, "I dunno why, but I feel like he's gone! I mean GONE! I can't explain it… 'dis feeling! It was so … It's like, I couldn't feel'is presence anymore… And ya' know what was de wors' part? I couldn' do a freaking thin' about it... "

Casey squeezed his friend's shoulder, unable to find the right words. Things were not great, but Raph was finally talking to him again, opening up after all these years.

"O'course, it was just a stupid dream..." Raphael pulled slightly away, avoiding Casey's touch, "Anyhow, I almost thought I lost **you** today..." - abruptly changing the subject, the turtle smirked and handed the man a cold beer, "But look at'chu, walking an' everythin', ya' ugly cripple!"

The vigilante grinned, accepting the offered drink of eternal friendship, and seeing how Raphael, in his own way, appreciated his presence, lovingly punched his green buddy on his bare shoulder. And after taking a sip, he looked down toward his healing legs, which were now thoroughly wrapped and patched by the miraculous hands of Dr. Brainy D (bless the exalted intellect of his precious technological soul and magical healing touch!), and what seemed like for the billionth time, he internally scolded himself for ever abandoning his friends, his family!

The dirty trick the Foot came up with, once more, unquestionably left a severe mark on Casey Jones. Back in Tokyo it was ugly... he spent days, weeks, months recovering. But scars and broken bones were not the worst damage. Casey's spirit was broken that horrible night away from home, 5 years ago, leaving no place for forgiveness or for common sense. He was blinded by rage, blaming it all on the everlasting unfairness of the world, on his 'luck', on the turtles... he couldn't find his place, a lost, lonely soul in a huge foreign city. But later on, when the first shock slowly descended, and finally made place for grief, another tragedy hit like a tsunami, crushing everything on its way. April was gone. She left him... And then, only then, when it seemed like his soul would never be whole again, all alone and broken, Casey had time to think, and put everything in order inside his head, and inside his heart.

And in time, he went back home. But alas, New York did not welcome its 'hero' with open arms. Once a glorious vigilante, Casey Jones was defeated from within, his heart broken, without a chance for recompense, as it seemed. He shut himself in his apartment, forced to lay low and lick his wounds, struggling to erase April and the accursed turtles from his mind forever, trying to mend what was left of his miserable existence. But life has its mysterious ways. And, what were the chances? Could it be his ultimate fate to be forever cursed by the presence of those crazy mutants in his life?

Casey certainly hoped so! Remembering all the horrible things he used to think about his mutant friends, at moments of weakness, in those god-forsaken days, now he was more than happy to finally have a chance to prove how wrong he was and what was truly important to him all along. He knew now that his place was here, not somewhere over the seas, chasing a silly dream of a normative (boring) life. That was not his destiny, not his cup of tea, not his can of beer. He never wanted that life in the first place. Why did he run away? Well, what did you expect from a hotheaded, messed-up man, who almost lost everything, or at least he thought so then... But now? Now that he had the time to heal and actually analyze it all to himself, comprehending everything that had happened, he knew that what he lost was not his fault, nor the turtles'...

"Thank God we got 'der on time!" - he softly grunted under his nose, breaking the silence.

"Yeah..." - sighed Raphael, nodding and looking somewhere far away, over the rooftops. Warm breeze, softly played with the shabby ends of his bandana in the dark. Casey has always found it a bit mesmerizing.

Here on the roof the two old friends felt at home. All those nights spent together, patrolling the city: running around, kicking ass of law-offenders, beating up Purple Dragons, fighting and resisting the Foot.

"We'll find'im and get'im to safety soon. Ya' know we will! Stop moping..."

"I know!" - snatched Raphael, "An' I aint mopin'!" He finished his beer, and smashing the used can into something that resembled a metallic pancake, he suddenly winked at Casey: "Think fast, gap-mouth!" and threw it up in the air.

The vigilante had to be swift to pull out his hockey stick, in order to hit the mark and force the newly made puck catapult and hit the nearest garbage-can down below. They both watched as it smoothly found its rightful place between a banana peel and greasy plastic bag. Raphael gave Casey a satisfied look and raised his palm for high-three. Grinning from ear to ear, Casey shoved his winning weapon away and high-fived his friend, getting a strong grip of Raph's hand, shaking it in the air, and eventually pulling with all his might, forcing an unexpected and abrupt embrace. And as they stood together, Casey pressing his ribs into hard plastron, Raphael furtively cherishing the moment, for a short while they were back to their old selves: frivolous, careless and happy! The inseparable knuckleheads - Raphael and Casey, best buds.

As unexpected as it started, the hug was over, scattered emotions dissolving into the cool night air. Somewhat embarrassed, they turned their backs to each other and stood in total silence, each one thinking up a way to forbear the deed.

And something in that moment, that certain place, or maybe that circumstance, made Casey feel an incredible need to say the words he knew should have been said many years ago. Now seemed like the right time. He had to let it out, to be utterly and completely honest. In this moment of loss, worry and somewhat triumph of their friendship, now or never, he would let Raphael in, as he found it unbearable to keep the truth hidden away any longer.

"Raph..." The man awkwardly scratched at a non existent itch at the back of his head, and the turtle turned to look at him again. Sheepishly smiling, obviously avoiding the turtle's gaze, Casey hastily blurted: "'Dat time you came ta' me in 'da middle of 'da night.. an' told me how April and yourself…" he coughed into his fist, unwilling to pinpoint the obvious details.

Raphael immediately nodded, raising his palm in front of the man's face as to let him know he didn't want to hear any more, since they both understood what he was referring to.

"I know! I know..." - continued Casey, "We said we wouldn't talk about it again... But hold on, man.. lemme get it out of my system, ok? I've been holding it in fa' years! And 'der might not be a better time…" He fiddled with his precious hockey stick for another moment, "Anyways, when ya' said.. eh, what'cha said back then, Raph, I…" The vigilante sighed and looked into the green, confused face. His hand jerked up and involuntarily brushed Raph's arm-bicep for a split of a second, but quickly restraining himself, Casey forced it back down, grabbing his weapon and pushing it tighter to his chest.

The nervous shake of Casey's hand and the way his lips were pursed when he all of a sudden fell silent, choking on his own words, made it more obvious to Raphael that his old-time buddy was questioning his own relevance, internally judging what he was about to let out! The turtle braced himself and got ready for the worst scolding of the century he believed he was about to endure. For better or for worse, however, he was determined to eat it all up and shut his mouth.. just let Casey be out with all that stocked up crap, building invisible walls between them. Now that the two of them (and April) were finally reunited, he wanted (needed) a clean slate. Therefore, taking a long deep breath, bracing himself, the turtle leaned back and listened.

"I was upset…" There appeared a short, nervous and somewhat mysterious smile on Casey's face, "I was upset **not** because of April.. Yeah, I love'er! No doubt, I do! But… 'dat night I put my fist through the wall only because I thought I was **losing **you,**** Raph!" Muttering under his nose, the man turned away, pretending to look at the horizon, "'Der, I said it, it needed to be said…"

The turtle blinked in confusion. No scolding? No blame? No pain? No drama? What's that all about? Dumbfounded, he kept staring at Casey. The man looked miserable, so embarrassed and so out of place, hugging his stupid hockey stick, like it was some kind of a safety object that could teleport him out of here in a second. Raphael couldn't believe his ears. Casey Jones has just confessed his feelings! Discreet feelings that Raphael was always aware of, deep inside, he always knew they were there, but never thought would come out of his friend's mouth, since the 'right' way to deal with them would be to ignore and to disregard their existence. Right? RIGHT?

"Case… what?" Raphael's forehead glistened with light perspiration, "What'chu mean exactly?"

"Ya' **know** what! And don' make me repeat any o' 'dat!" - muttered the man under his nose, "Ya' not exactly the smartest turtle, but ya' sure don' lack any emotional intelligence... we both know it!"

"Casey..." Raphael took out another beer and, chugging the whole thing in one sip, exclaimed: "Ya' really **are** somethin' else my dear Mr. Jones, ya' know that?!"


	7. Chapter 7

24 hours earlier:

After jumping out of the Shellraiser and running off into the darkness, Casey Jones found out that his powers of stubbornness did not leave him after all, and at the moment of crucial need, floppity-flop, he was on his feet no questions asked, no problem, sir. Well, a little bit of a problem, because, as Dr. Donatello commented later, he must have caused a certain amount of irreparable damage to his knees, 'running' around on his no-good ol' feet, since his injuries were not entirely healed yet. Plus, floundering about in filthy, freezing water with hockey-stick, used instead of a crutch, and with an enraged mutant at his side - not about to make for the best recovery, to say the least.

It would be pushing it, to say Casey's legs were back to normal. Nevertheless, at the very first sign of the mission going sideways, he didn't stop to think. His old instincts kicked right in, and Mr. Jones knew exactly what to do: get out of that idiotic wheelchair, and finally back on his two feet, bust some Foot soldiers' heads. Even though it hurt like a bitch, he had made his choice, however unwise and desperate it may have seemed. Even though, he did, in fact, keep losing his balance as an infant learning his first steps, experiencing crucial amounts of pain on top of everything else. But hey, at least he could walk! Not as much as run. But he could finally move his legs one in front of the other, periodically. And no lame leg-malfunction could ever stop him from getting to those loser Foot ninja motherfuckers and smear each and every one of their vile faces into the ground! For Mikey!

Michelangelo was the only one who got it. Having been not too long ago severely injured himself, he felt for Casey, and didn't walk on eggshells around his wheelchair. To exercise vigilante's injured legs, he carried his human friend in his very arms up to the rooftops every single night, motivating him to stand up and try to walk again. No doubt, the 'Arma Secreta' - a code-name the pizza-loving turtle goof gave their confidential night-time meetings, did their job. If only April found out... or Dr. D!? Their number would go up! It was all hush-hush, of course, and even Raph had no idea! (Haha, Raph! He'd probably break Casey's teeth for that.. well, the ones that were still there of course).

Not to beat around the bush, the poor handicapped vigilante didn't make it halfway to the docks, when suddenly Raphael dropped out of nowhere, snatching his buddy from the dark alleys right onto his shell-cycle.

Knowing that the first thing on his friend's mind would be to go get even with the Foot, Raphael made his calculations, estimating that Casey wouldn't wait, or strategize, or take into consideration his own health, before he'd leap right into the fire. That reckless lunatic! Raphael figured right away that Casey'd try for the docks, even if he'd have to crawl over there on all fours. And in all honesty, after all what happened, the turtle couldn't blame his friend for being enraged and reckless, because in this state of affairs they were two slices of the same pizza-pie.

"Raph, buddy!" - exclaimed Casey, grabbing his friend's shell and climbing into a sitting position at the back of his motorcycle, inwardly thanking every known deity up in the holy heavens for this blissful and unexpected surprise, "You didn't have ta' come pick me up... I was doin' jus' fine!"

"Uhm hmm, put that on!" - was the grumpy reaction, and a green hand pushed a worn out helmet into Casey's ribs.

"Ok, a'right, jeez, chill, will ya'.."

"Hold on tight!"

Casey didn't even have the opportunity to drop a word of non-compliance as they were literally flying through the air, wheels barely touching the road. The only thing left for him to do, was to grab hold of Raph's shell and press his helmeted head closer to the rough, yet familiar surface.

When, after a few minutes, they arrived at the docks, the Foot were already gone. But that was to be expected. The bad news was: Leonardo's unconscious body floating in the bay, in a quickly growing blot of blood rippling on the surface of the dark, nasty water. Together, they struggled for quite some time to pull Fearless out, and after a short CPR they took him to the lair, still unconscious, severely injured, but definitely alive.


End file.
